Imagine a film of your life soundtracked by an iPod


It’s one of those games which you have to have a go at, once someone’s mentioned it. Imagine a film of your life, with various scenes. Stick your iPod on shuffle (for your whole record collection, no cheating), and you get a track for each scene. I’ve seen one or two where the music is so astonishingly appropriate you begin to smell something fishy. Anyway, no such luck with mine. Here it is:

Opening Credits:
Sleepless & Tooting – Rachel Goswell
(OK, good start, I can just about imagine the credits rolling to this: “Home-Made Films presents… A Chequebook Production… Directed by Terry Gilliam… Chris Rand’s Life Story” although it might have been better in the next slot. But at 3 mins 0 sec the titles wouldn’t overstay their welcome)

Waking Up:
Fame – David Bowie
(“Is it any wonder you are too cool to fool?” – well, I suppose you could play it over the “gelling your hair in front of the mirror” scene)

First Day At School:
Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python
(Bizarre. And it’s the Spamalot version too: “This is a total bloody disaster”. Nope, I can’t relate this song to the slot at all, even if Gilliam was in the director’s chair)

Falling In Love:
Fool’s Overture – Supertramp
(Ah, a ten-and-a-half minute love scene. Starts promisingly with lots of classical piano, but I’m unsure how the angry crowd sound effects and Churchillian speeches fit in. I can see people leaving the cinema in baffled amusement by this time)

Fight Song:
America Is Not The World – Morrissey
(Well, I’m not sure if there’d be a fight song in my life story, but if there were, hey, why not take on the whole of American culture? “You can shove your hamburger” indeed!)

Breaking Up:
5 More Minutes – Mull Historical Society
(“5 more minutes instead, to say what I nearly said” – I guess this sort of works. Possibly)

Love Like Laughter – Beth Orton
(“Some of the worst songs get righted on three chords” – not sure it’d be the best night out ever, to be honest)

Hamburg Song – Keane
(“I don’t wanna be adored/Don’t wanna be first in line/Or make myself heard/I’d like to bring a little light/To shine a light on your life/To make you feel loved” – OK, I’ll take that)

Mental Breakdown:
Irresistible Bliss – Chris Botti
(Ah yes, some classic smooth dinner jazz. This film is getting very silly indeed. Only a few scenes to retrieve it from getting “the most inappropriate soundtrack ever” award, methinks)

Touch Too Much – Hayseed Dixie
(And the award goes to… Although I suppose it does have the line “this damn woman’s gonna drive me insane”)

No Direction – Simply Red
(The award is confirmed, methinks. Not even “In this dreary life, with no direction/What this cause says about my life” can put it off)

Getting Back Together:
No Opportunity Necessary, No Experience Needed – Yes
(“Why must we wait until the morning light/To wake up and be” – sorry, almost given up the struggle here)

With Goth On Our Side – Half Man Half Biscuit
(Might not be a CofE ceremony, this one: “Now my left index finger/Is nine inches long/It’s hovering over/A world that’s gone wrong/Ask me to Prestatyn/And that’s what I’ll do/And we’ll all die together/And Dylan can sue”)

Birth of Child:
Mate Of The Bloke (Who Set Up the PA) – Half Man Half Biscuit
(Wow: “I found myself being sued/By the firm More O’Ferrall/I’d sprayed a grafitto/On to one of their hoardings/It was for Monsters of Rock/And I sprayed: in church hall if wet” – how could this be any more relevant to the birth of a child? All together now: “I’m lost without an inside pocket”. I’ve gone mad, by the way.)

Final Battle:
Watermelon Man – Mongo Santamaria
(A sort of choreographed final battle on the beach in Rio. Or something)

Death Scene:
Pulcherrima Rosa – Jan Garbarek and the Hilliard Ensemble
(Then right at the end, with the cinema emptied, sheer genius. Seven minutes of mournful choral dirge totally in keeping with a death scene. Think the music in the background as everyone shuffles past the Pope’s coffin. Wow)

Funeral Song:
Under The Ivy – Kate Bush
(Well, at least it’s a long way from being a party anthem: very sedately appropriate. “Go into the garden/Go under the ivy/Go under the leaves with me/Go right to the rose/Go right to the white rose/I’ll be waiting for you”)

End Credits:
Desire As – Prefab Sprout
(A song so magnificent it’d make everyone sit there and watch the credits, it’s true, if only anyone was left in the cinema. “I’ve got six things on my mind/You’re no longer one of them)

All in all? Didn’t work. Fun though.

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